Forever

IMG_1084

Lay on the beach with me, forever.  Melt into the sand with me, forever.  Let’s run away and escape bills, taxes, stress, and worry, forever.

Start every single morning drinking coffee with me, forever.  Forever be there to say goodnight, and good morning to.

How lucky am I to have found a woman to lay on the beach for hours every year? Year, after year, after year? As we return with more wrinkles, more worries, and more need to let go?

Please, luck, don’t run out.  I’m trying, everyday.  I’m trying to to listen more, and respond less.  I’m trying to show more kindness, and respond with more kindness.

I’m trying.  We’re trying so hard.

IMG_1085.JPG

Discomfort

This year and this Spring have both been challenging and uncomfortable.  Discomfort has been hitting me right in the gut and gathering under my shoulder blades.

But we cannot grow, and we cannot learn, and we cannot become better versions of ourselves without discomfort, without facing truths, and without doing some inner work.

So I’ve been plunging right through the dark tunnels of calling myself out on my huge amounts of bullshit, and of un-telling myself stories that I had told myself.

My wife has been plunging through these dark tunnels with me, as we settle into our first year of marriage.  The reality of being grown adults and being out in the world alone, and having to survive for decades and decades in this economy is far from overwhelming.  ‘Overwhelming’ is no where near a close enough word to describe this panic.

An outsider looking in might say the Mercury Retrograde has worked its usual charm in working me over.  It’s definitely worked me over.  This Retrograde has ran me over, a few dozen times.

But now the discomfort has lifted, the stress has lessened, and breathing and laughing are becoming much easier again.

My wife and I are looking forward to a long beach weekend this coming weekend, and the prospect of getting away for a few days is extremely brightening.  The ocean, the sun, and “being away” are all calling my name.

I’m less afraid now, of what this Summer will bring, and I’m instead feeling more playful, hopeful, and curious about life again.

Needing to Bend More, Needing to Breathe More

I crept into a yoga class this evening, after three weeks of not bending and breathing.
I expected resistance, a tight body, and ego-swamped mind, and lungs that wouldn’t breathe.

The exact opposite happened, as if my body just needed it all so badly.

I didn’t have to remind myself to breathe-it’s like my body couldn’t wait to take in air, and calm, and ground itself..
I didn’t have to remind myself to drop my ego, and respect the limitations of my body-it’s like my “self” was so ready to stop feeling inadequate,  and to just accept and love myself as I am.
I didn’t have to remind myself to practice on my own mat-I was too grateful for the time alone, for the time to focus inward, and let go, and breathe.

I’ve got to make it to more yoga classes.  I’ve got to, I’ve got to, I’ve got to.