Lesbian Mom Facebook Groups

I first found one lesbian mom group on Facebook through searching,
and then I found a second one a few days later.

The first group is a general lesbian parenting group, and the second specifically about fertility and trying to conceive a baby.

I haven’t posted in either one, and I won’t post for months yet, I’m sure.
I’m only lurking, only watching, watching closely.
I’m watching other lesbian Mom couples to see their journeys, triumphs, losses, and succeses.

Being added to these groups over the last week have been an amazing whirlwind of a ride, but it’s also been overwhelming, and downright terryfying, at times.

After about five days of highs and lows, delight at this new future source of support I’d found, but overwhelemed with all the acronyoms, knowledge, and information, I googled fertility acronyms.  It helped immensely.

The feeling of being overwhelmed has subsided a bit, and now I read these women’s posts with curiosity, relief, and admiration, all while gaining knowledge.

I’m so happy these groups exists.  I’m so happy that I’ve found them.

This is the first time I’ve ever felt this much confidence in our future family planning journey, the first time I’ve felt less alone, and like there’s more support available to us.

I’ve been feeling seperated for years, from close friends, and from all Moms and Moms-to-be in my life, simply because of the difference in family planning journeys.  Simply because most of them didn’t even need to family plan in the slightest…

But I have these groups now.  My wife has joined both groups as well.  There are other prospective Moms who are going through what we will, and what we are going through even now.

It helps, it really does.  Feeling less alone, and less seperated.

I Breathe More Easily in the Mountains

front-of-cabin

That cabin, I felt so safe at that cabin.
It was full of comfort, and ease, and love, and family,
And I could breathe out in those woods.  I could really breathe out in those woods.

Since we’ve been home, I’ve been anxious, hidden, and shaky.
I’ve been wanting to flee, overwhelmed, weary, and scared.

And ever so exhausted, no matter how much I sleep.

waterfall-headstand

I want to go back to this waterfall.  I want to go back to this headstand.

I want to go back to freedom, and to breathing, instead of being a slave to bills and society.

Why do we have to work so much just to survive? Why can’t life be lived and enjoyed more?

Why can’t we all spend more time out in the middle of the woods with our families, warm, drunk, happy, and fed?

We Are Only the Breath Inside Our Lungs

Lay me down in fields of grass
Where sunlight can play across my thighs, my hips.

I am a Goddess, everlasting.
I am pure light, infinite and free.

I am all that I have poured into myself for twenty-eight years,
I am the air, and I am a breeze.

I plant my feet firmly when I walk upon this Earth,
and I stand proud, awake, alert, dependent only

On the breath inside my lungs.

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Forever

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Lay on the beach with me, forever.  Melt into the sand with me, forever.  Let’s run away and escape bills, taxes, stress, and worry, forever.

Start every single morning drinking coffee with me, forever.  Forever be there to say goodnight, and good morning to.

How lucky am I to have found a woman to lay on the beach for hours every year? Year, after year, after year? As we return with more wrinkles, more worries, and more need to let go?

Please, luck, don’t run out.  I’m trying, everyday.  I’m trying to to listen more, and respond less.  I’m trying to show more kindness, and respond with more kindness.

I’m trying.  We’re trying so hard.

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Discomfort

This year and this Spring have both been challenging and uncomfortable.  Discomfort has been hitting me right in the gut and gathering under my shoulder blades.

But we cannot grow, and we cannot learn, and we cannot become better versions of ourselves without discomfort, without facing truths, and without doing some inner work.

So I’ve been plunging right through the dark tunnels of calling myself out on my huge amounts of bullshit, and of un-telling myself stories that I had told myself.

My wife has been plunging through these dark tunnels with me, as we settle into our first year of marriage.  The reality of being grown adults and being out in the world alone, and having to survive for decades and decades in this economy is far from overwhelming.  ‘Overwhelming’ is no where near a close enough word to describe this panic.

An outsider looking in might say the Mercury Retrograde has worked its usual charm in working me over.  It’s definitely worked me over.  This Retrograde has ran me over, a few dozen times.

But now the discomfort has lifted, the stress has lessened, and breathing and laughing are becoming much easier again.

My wife and I are looking forward to a long beach weekend this coming weekend, and the prospect of getting away for a few days is extremely brightening.  The ocean, the sun, and “being away” are all calling my name.

I’m less afraid now, of what this Summer will bring, and I’m instead feeling more playful, hopeful, and curious about life again.

Needing to Bend More, Needing to Breathe More

I crept into a yoga class this evening, after three weeks of not bending and breathing.
I expected resistance, a tight body, and ego-swamped mind, and lungs that wouldn’t breathe.

The exact opposite happened, as if my body just needed it all so badly.

I didn’t have to remind myself to breathe-it’s like my body couldn’t wait to take in air, and calm, and ground itself..
I didn’t have to remind myself to drop my ego, and respect the limitations of my body-it’s like my “self” was so ready to stop feeling inadequate,  and to just accept and love myself as I am.
I didn’t have to remind myself to practice on my own mat-I was too grateful for the time alone, for the time to focus inward, and let go, and breathe.

I’ve got to make it to more yoga classes.  I’ve got to, I’ve got to, I’ve got to.